Tsem Tulku Rinpoche

I Like These Types of Rooms

I always have wished to live in the mountains with trees, views, lakes and forests since young. If I could I like rooms like this above. Not the exact room but the concept: The ceiling is glass. The walls are glass. And it's mosquito free (hehe). I like the feeling of LIVING OUTSIDE IN THE FOREST. Surrounded by the trees, views, and etc. I don't want to actually live in the forest with no protection so I would want a house not tent..hehehe...as I don't want to be kidnapped by a Yeti or Sasquatch (hehe)...but still feel as I am in the forest. I found this picture and I just love it. Imagine waking up, working, reading, blogging, doing my sadhana, mantras, writing or conceptualizing in such an environment...I really really really love it. I love this type of house, view and setting.

This one is not bad also. I would use a solid earth tone carpet like brown, or grey instead of what's in the picture. But this would be a great great great bedroom/cum work room. I would have a huge Buddha statue in the corner somewhere with offerings of course. But you see what I mean?? I am in a room with huge glass walls/windows where I can see into the 'forest' or trees. I don't want to see into a cityscape, or into other houses or neighbours. No neighbours or faraway neighbours would be ok for me and I wouldn't feel lonely. I just want to wake up, stay awake and finally retire with a forest, trees and greens in view. The view as you see above.

I thought I'd share with you my idea of a room that makes me feel invigorated, relaxed and inspired. I love these type of rooms so much surrounded by a forest.

Tsem Tulku

 

My Loneliness and Longings.....

Dear friends,

Since very young in New Jersey I would look for pictures of mountains and lakes. I've never fancied oceans. But lakes with forests, mountains and greenery really attract me. It was not just an attraction to a scene, but it touched something very deep inside of me. A feeling to be there or I belong there was very strong in me. I would be excited and wish to be there. I would look for books to see mountains with forests and I still do. I even keep posters of mountains/forests these days and stare at it. I know I belong there. I wouldn't be lonely at all. I visualize that I am there.

Now three decades later, I still haven't gotten the chance to live in such a place although I long for it very much. I wish for it very much. A house near a lake or river with mountains and forests is what I long for. I don't know when I can achieve this, but my 'work' and 'duties' keep me from it.

A house in the mountains would be my dream and do practice. No politics, mind games, not many people, not many worldly proprieties to be forced into doing. No fundraising, no events, no convincing others, not having to answer tons of questions, answer tons of doubts. Be subjected to unfair scrutinies and unnecessary comments. Year after year to explain what I am doing or beg, cajole and ask people to help. No more dealing with instabilities, unstable people, unreliable people, and ungrateful people. I don't dislike them, but they sure make the work extra hard. I wish to be in the mountains not so much to escape from all this, but to do what I really want-practice. If it was escape, I wouldn't have longed for this even when I was very young. Well a blog is where you share yourself both pleasant and unpleasant thoughts I guess, so I am sharing in my e-journal here.

I am not a people person. I don't fancy positions and titles for the sake of it. I am not into competitiveness nor social gatherings. I am not into business if I don't have to be nor into wealth for the sake of it...but I do wish to have a house in the mountains ( a lake would be nice without it being hot always), a large statue of a Buddha inside and plenty of offerings. I would love to walk to the lake with buckets and collect water for water bowl offerings. Have a butterlamp burning 24-7 in this abode of mine to the Buddha. Then go for walks in the evening sun in the mountains, or sit by the lake and chant Om Mani Peme Hung meditating on the Lord of the Lotus, Avalokitesvara. How exciting and thrilling. To be in this mountain house or lake and gain attainments making me equipped to benefit others like my gurus. Maybe my retreat hut is what my teachers asked me to do, to bring dharma to others. My retreat hut is what I am doing now.....I guess and have to believe.  

In all my life, on a personal basis, I have gotten very little of what I wanted. I was not able to go after what I wanted. I always followed what my teachers advised...I am very ok with that. I am not bitter, just sharing my thoughts. If it was not for monkhood, I would have pursued being an actor and benefit the dharma through financial support for sure.  But a deep sense of purpose pervaded me to do dharma in any way... I wanted to do dharma in the mountains very much as a monk... Or be an actor in the US to earn money for the Monasteries. I didn't pursue acting although offered, and become a monk and join the Monastery. When I got to the Monastery I decided to settle down and be happy there. I loved the Monastery. Even in the Monastery, I wanted to go to North India for a few months yearly to be in the mountains to do retreats. All that was not possible when Lati Rinpoche asked me to go abroad to teach. I didn't want to. I dare not refuse Lati Rinpoche. By following Rinpoche's advice, the road of my life just changed forever. I didn't want to have students, or have a centre and raise funds--that just was not me. Not what I want to do. These days I am considered a spiritual teacher, but you know what? I don't enjoy that at all. I don't wish for it at all. I wouldn't mind if I can be replaced. I tried. It didn't work. I do what I am doing because Lati Rinpoche asked me to. I don't do it grudgingly but I do wish I could of stayed in the mountains and Monastery. I do it because I trust my teacher. I trust my teacher and his instructions even going on two decades now. I may not want to do what I am doing, but I am going to do it all the way because why follow my teacher's instructions only half way and pretend I am doing it all the way? That is not me also.

Lati Rinpoche passed away, but I must keep his instructions in my heart and fulfill it  because he is much more far advanced in his thinking than me... He has a purpose for me to do this and I will realize this purpose. Until then, I will keep doing it and fulfill it. I have committed to my teacher, benefitting others and dharma and it is worth it. I know it is. If I don't do what my teacher has told me to do and I escape into the mountains to meditate, I wouldn't gain attainments anyway. Because I am there for me and not my teacher's attained method to help me. Definitely his method would be better than mine.. So no matter how eloquently I explain to others why I am in the mountains to justify what I am doing, the bottom line is I wouldn't gain attainments. Attainments arises from surrendering your ego and the teacher helps you find a method in his infinite experience/knowledge to 'prescribe' the antidote for it. You 'surrender' your ego to the teacher and hence trust the methods. You don't surrender yourself to the teacher. The teacher then gives you instructions and what methods to overcome your ego and in my case what I am doing now. To abandon that and do what I think is right, would be indirectly saying my teacher is wrong. Or I am better than my teacher. How can that be? My teacher has spent many decades in the dharma, practicing dharma, and living in the dharma and I have not, hence the dharma is a direct counter to the self absorbed harmful ego. Hence from his infinite experience I would benefit if I followed. It's like having trust and just following a great surgeon to heal a big disease. You don't know enough to debate and counter the treatments. After checking the surgeon out and gaining trust, you follow instructions for your healing. You surrender your disease to the surgeon NOT YOURSELF. Same as with the guru.

I long for the house in the mountains EVERYDAY. My duties, responsibilities and what I wish to achieve is very heavy.  So I MUST ACHIEVE AND FULFILL MY DUTIES. These are more important than my retreat house in the mountains. Deep inside of me, sometimes tears drop like rainshower because my duties are heavy, and I don't have enough of what I need to accomplish it both in manpower and resources. I do have some great fabulous people, but I need more...The instability in some people is one of my biggest disappointments and stumbling blocks. The feeling of not being able to rely or believe in them is a huge stumbling block. Many minds flip back and forth...or waste so much time...on activities that bring zero happiness to themselves and others. It's painful for me to know this and watch the drama unfold. It's like watching a movie that you have seen hundreds of times before....and you know the plot. It's frightening to know the plot and watch them go through it and end up with so much pain...

Finding people with true integrity is like finding a 20 carat diamond on the road. Life is so short, yet so many get caught up and entangled in the net of useless activities...and not keep their promises and elaborate with so many justifications.I feel for them..I do feel for them, because the justifications can be seen clearly 99% of the times as baseless and empty..  Nothing much can be said to them for fear of always offending them, as they don't have the knowledge to form the basis to realize what is going on. So when they don't have the knowledge as a basis to explain more, you don't explain more and wait patiently for a future time when they can understand. But unfortunately when they do finally understand, they have already trapped themselves in bills, commitments, offsprings, depressions, or tough habituations. Somehow most of the time I know that, I don't give up, but not much can be done. I just watch with sadness and tears...Sometimes I think, another precious human life wasted. How many more rebirths will they have to undergo before a golden opportunity will arise again.

These mountain pics sent to me by Girlie Ooi really makes me feel lonely but I love looking at them. Looking at them brought up the thoughts I wrote above. What I wrote above is not meant to hurt, offend, or point fingers at anybody...heavens no! But they are thoughts in my mind.  I am not lonely for people but a place, practice and scenario. But in my lonliness I need to still do what I have promised to my teachers. After all, whatever my longing is I can't make go away, but the instructions my teachers have given me, I can trust them and go all the way with it..and I will.

I wish in this life and future lives I can stay in this type of environment and do intense practice if it would be a benefit ultimately. For now, in my longing/lonliness I can just look at these pictures. I have always looked at pictures of this sort and all I can do is to keep looking at them...and maybe one day.....

Tsem Tulku

I would throw mani pills in this lake to bless the animals. I would also erect a beautiful Green Tara stone statue on the edge of this lake again to bless all the beings seen and unseen.

My retreat house would be built around 25 feet away from this river....I could hear the sounds of this river. I could fetch water from here to make offerings with. I could sit by the river to meditate on Avalokitesvara and put seeds to gain his compassion.

I would shout mantras at these beautiful animals so they can get the imprints of enlightenment in their mindstream. Medicine Buddha, Avalokitesvara, Tsongkapa, Tara, Manjusri mantras would be perfect for them!

I would go for walks here in the evening sun after my practices...I would make new butterlamps..to prepare to burn for the next days.

I would sometimes come here and set up a place to do pujas.....pujas to bless my winds, channels, drops and sublte mind..pujas to bless the environment and beings therein.I would sit here for hours reading dharma books.

Wow...imagine if this is my Tsem Ladrang!!! Inside the red roof was a large huge 10ft statue of Vajra Yogini!! (So what I want...wish I can have a place here and hang out there on weekends or more)....And behind Vajra Yogini's chapel is my place...this would be like the perfect place for me to live, practice, abide and die.......

Going for a morning walk with my mumu......wow.

 

This is not my house, because I built my house already near the lake already, remember? But this is nice too..hehehe

Hmm...what a beautiful place to recite 10,000 Om Mani Peme Hungs a day....or 10,000 Om Ah Ra Baza Nadees a day here!!! I would build a large outdoor stone Manjushri statue here to bless everything..

Anyways, these are some of my thoughts and wishes.

Tsem Tulku

P.S. In my life and for many others too, I rarely got to really do what I wanted...but it's not a cause for bitterness or anger..I just do what I can with the situation at hand...and see with the situation at hand, how can I benefit others? How can I make this situation to help others to win, learn, advance and spiritually benefit? I guess when you do your best to focus on others,then you are less unhappy. You don't have time to focus on your unhappiness. And when you have brought hope, love, direction, and purpose to many others and they keep thanking you (if they don't it's ok also) and smiling and you know you did that..HOW COULD YOU NOT BE HAPPY????? I will get to the mountains some day, but I keep thinking, maybe I am already there now....

(The above are beautiful pictures not open to tourists in Kashmir-the environment is like Heaven on Earth..this is what I envision Vajra Yogini's Kechara Paradise to be like.)

  
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This is the original lighted signboard of Kechara Paradise (http://www.kechara.com/shopping/paradise) conceptualized by me and painted by Aunty Vivien, a friend and student of mine.  The image of this signboard brings back many memories of the old days when Kechara first started.  Back then, there was no Kechara House or other departments.  Kechara Paradise was a gathering place for my students and friends as well as an outlet.  I gave many Dharma teachings and met many of my students and friends there.  It was from there that Kechara grew to where it is now with 13 departments all geared towards manifesting Kechara World Peace Centre, a centre for learning and holistic healing.

The image of the signboard has significant meaning.  The Dharma Wheel represents the Buddha’s teachings which are likened to a wheel that moves from one place to another according to the changing conditions and karmic inclination of people.  The Dharma Wheel flanked by a male and female deer symbolizes the stages of the path of Highest Yoga Tantra.   The radiant sun behind the mountains symbolize the Dharma radiating to many countries throughout the world bringing peace and happiness to many beings.  The rainbow symbolizes Kechara Paradise, the paradise of Buddha Vajrayogini that is achieved through the practice of the Highest Yoga Tantra of Vajrayogini.

The image of this old vintage signboard reminds me of all the challenges and struggles that Kechara has gone through during its early days.  I thank all the people who have contributed their time, effort, financial and other resources to bring Kechara to where it is today.

I want you to note that, the happy scene I depicted  here is the mountains, animals, stream, flowers, green, sun, rainbows and dharma in the middle of all this. My longing to be in the mountains is projected onto this first signboard of our Kechara Organization. The mountains has always been with me. I thought I'd share this signboard with you... This signboard has been up for nearly 8 years, now it has been changed. But we are going to frame it and put it in Kechara Care Dept's memorabilia hall. Another note, these days when we have special events, our people always see rainbows....and in this signboard I made sure there was a rainbow to depict happy times are ahead...

Tsem Tulku
 

World Peace - by Tsem Tulku Rinpoche

This inspiring video briefly shows my life and the story behind my Dharma organization - KECHARA, which has 13 wonderful departments, each with its own unique way to spread the Dharma.

This short yet informative video also features my ultimate dream - Kechara World Peace Centre (KWPC), a place in the mountains of Malaysia for learning, healing and practicing. Take a look at this video that is done very well by KIM dept. Tsem Tulku

This video is first shown to the public on the KWPC Charity Dinner on 18 July 2010.

 

 

Chariots of the Gods

Here's another one of my favorite videos. Before the videos, it was the best selling book!

I read this book decades ago several times and it really 'made sense' to me. I loved the book and I loved this documentary based on the book. I remember being in my bedroom laying down on my bed decades back as a kid, head rested on a double pillow voraciously reading. Mom and dad were out for the afternoon and I would be on my own to read!! Pure heaven I use to think!!

I read about Buddhism, the Buddhist saints, their writings, mysteries, Bigfoot, ufo's....Lazy New Jersey summers of reading. Or in the winter when it'd snow and your trapped indoors, what's better than reading. Especially if there was a snowstorm, and NO SCHOOL THAT DAY!!!!! Yes!!! No School! I would read, paint, chant, meditate, memorize mantras! Then read again!

I love the evidence, theories, photos, research that has been put into this incredible video. Although made decades ago, still very watchable I feel.  I love many paintings 'from the bible' actually if you look at it carefully does really look like alien crafts. Totally believable. Watch carefully and several times to understand the enormity of the theories propounded.

Tsem Tulku

For people unfamiliar, just click on the video itself and watch. Turn up your volume, grab a snack/drink and please enjoy!! Learn! Open your horizons..

We are not alone..............

Part 1

 

Part 2

(No infringements on copyrights intended in any way shape or form. Everything belongs to the owner of this documentary. I am just sharing with friends only and not for any commercial purposes)

 

My kind of Architecture....

On the cover of this magazine shows one of the types of houses I like. 

I like the geometrics, smoothness, not too colorful, lots of glass, and cement. If I can, this house would be in the hills with lots of trees and neighbours not to close would be 'heavenly'. I would love to have a butterlamp chapel too.

I like sparce furniture inside, but big, comfortable and sturdy items.

I like alot of space in the rooms without congestion and lots of wires that are NOT visible. Heheeh. I don't like to see wiring all over sloppy and exposed.

I love shade, trees, green, lots of flowers and growth that IS NOT TIME CONSUMING TO MAINTAIN.

Just a small sample of what I like.

Tsem Tulku
 

Unsolved Mysteries - UFO's & Me...

Since I was very young, I was naturally drawn to phenomena that was not accepted by 'mainstream' public. That didn't bother me. I was always the type of person that I did WHAT I FELT WAS RIGHT and not so much WHAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO. Many of the things I was supposed to do didn't make sense to me then and now. I am more patient with things I don't agree with now then I was then though I must say. Must learn to tolerate early in life, less problems.

I have always studied up on Loch Ness, Findhorn, Ufo, Sasquatch, Nazca Lines, Incas, American Native Indian lore, Tibet, ghosts, astral travelling and the likes. I used to practise astral travelling nightly that I read up in a book. I also did meditations on Vajra Yogini I found in a book also when I was around 13 or so. No results for either one though as I am sure I was doing something wrong that the book didn't fully explain. Anyway, I found out later I shouldn't have done the Vajra Yogini meditations without permission.

I watched endless documentaries on these mysterious subjects and did quite a lot of reading. One of my favorite places was the library. I can spend a day there and not be bored. I would borrow 10-12 books every two weeks and read through most of them. I did that for years.  Or at least have a good look at the parts I was interested in before returning the book. I would borrow biographies, encyclopedias, Ghost stories, Magic, mysteries, Travel, Religions (my favorite), and reading up on cultures. I would go to libraries in other towns and borrow books because libraries had limits how many you can borrow at any one time. I didn't like the limits. haha. I would even go to Flea Markets and second hand stores to buy books on various mysteries. I loved encyclopedias with color pictures. I would borrow from A-Z slowly.  I would spend evenings and weekends reading after homework. I would listen to the Beatles, John Lennon, Simon & Garfunkel and read.. sometimes paint or draw. I loved to draw mountains, lakes and huge trees. I was fanatical about drawing various Buddhas. I loved to draw yogis meditating in the mountains and gaining great realization or seeing the Yidam directly.  I read voraciously and absorbed the information fast. I was happy I could retain it.

My step-parents didn't make things easy for me. But they left me alone to read. They wanted me to play soccer and sports. I hated sports. Any type of sports. They forced me to play soccer for like 6-7 years in a row in a huge soccer club with uniforms and all. Lots of kids. We'd have matches with other counties and towns. I NEVER SCORED ONE GOAL EVER. My step dad commented once all the boys run towards the ball, whereas I run away from it. I was thinking, I told you I hated soccor hundreds of times?? My coach stuck me as the goalie JUST ONCE. I let like 3 balls pass me in around half an hour!! Everyone gave me the evils, but I already warned my coach not to do so. His logic is I'm tall so I would be good. My logic is I don't want my teeth knocked out for this silly game! Hehe. He never put me back in as goalie again. The day my father didn't sign me up for soccer was one of the happiest days of my childhood. He wanted me to be Pele or something and I wanted to be Dalai Lama that time!! Talk about conflict of interest!  I still want to be like the Dalai Lama!

Anyways, I found these really cool videos of UFO footage and I thought you might be interested. Listen carefully to what they are saying and observe. It is one of the most convincing footages caught on film I have ever seen. These didn't convince me that extraterrestrials existed because I know they do exist. Buddha mentioned clearly WE ARE NOT ALONE!!!

Enjoy and share with others. It is nice to rise above relationships, money, bills, eating, travelling and all the very normal, redundant traps we set for ourselves and think deeper. Look beyond. Think more. Keep your mind wondering, discovering and learning. Don't be stuck where you are.

This video is perfect for alot of my students. It did cross my mind when some spaceships would come back and take back some of my students as I know they are NOT FROM HERE...hehehe.

Much Care,

Tsem Tulku

 

P.S. I have very varied interests. It isn't just meditation, mantras, shambala, malas, auras, and enlightenment all the time. I have many interests and they are very wide. So I am going to blog about them and share. Each time you read my posts, a part of me is shared with you. That is nice. I am the only Tibetan Lama that blogs about UFO's, but you know what, I never said I would fit the mould. I am different, 'controversial' by some, strange, not the typical lama if you will, unconventional, and just being myself. Some find me refreshing and some may not. But it's ok. I am coming to terms with myself now too and you should too. Hehe.  I am not trying to be 'different'. I just am I guess. But it is a harmless different. Maybe I am just waiting ....E.T. go home for me too???

Good footage in Mexico
 

 

Lady with good footage. She's very believable.
 

 

Do let me know what you think in the comments section. I really want to hear. I would appreciate your feelings. Thanks ahead of time.

 

 
Drawn by an Abductee under hypnosis. A group of them were abducted together at the same time.

Separately under hypnosis, their drawings were intriguingly similar.  

 

Psychic Kids

Must watch this interesting video!!

 

Dear Everyone,

Since I was very young I've had a huge interest in the paranormal, Tibet, magic, mysteries, bigfoot, lochness, Findhorn, Ufo's, Nazca lines, spirits, Salem, Easter Island, dowsing, Greek Gods, Hindu Gods, Yogis, Himalayas, Shambala, Auras, divinations, Delphic Oracle, Tibetan Oracles, Nature Spirits, Pan, Shamans and similar. I use to love that show called 'IN SEARCH OF' hosted by Leonard Nimoy. It is on youtube and I have the whole video collection. Sp ordered for me. I watch it from time to time. I love 'Chariot of the Gods' by Erich Von Daniken and have watched it 20 times maybe. Also read the book many years ago. I can really relate to these subjects. Even now I am very interested and find these subjects very fascinating. I always watch shows related to the above. Especially documentaries.

Yes, I do believe 100% in UfO's, lochness, bigfoot, Shambala, Nature Spirits all the way. There are so many realms and planes of existence that Lord Buddha has described and mentioned many times. I trust Lord Buddha. Buddha talked about other existences over 2,600 years ago before cultural prejudices said it can or cannot exist.

The other day I watched Psychic Kids. It was very interesting. So i thought I'd share with you. Do enjoy please. These young kids have powerful clairvoyance and are taught to be not afraid. These types of powers definitely exist. They are described in the scriptures. It is nice to see that mainstream accept these type of mind powers also.

Tsem Tulku

*No Copyright Infringement Intended* I do not own this video clip, *all* rights belong to Bio Channel .

 

A Poem To My Teacher......

 
His Holiness Kyabje Zong Dorje Chang 

 

Alone With Memories

(my actual poem)

Sadness and loneliness
are my forced friends,
Living in lands forever foreign
as I have no home.....

Sounds of my guru's damaru
evokes a time long gone,
As it plays in my head
all day long… 

My guru's memory I projected
onto my daily life,
Keeps me going in a place I am
forced to call home...

Tragic am I living in a
time that has passed,
A memory that I must wake from
although I resist...

My work and burdens hasn't any end,
Yet have to trudge on, onto where?
Is there any respite from my hopes and optimism?
Or is it better to accept reality which is cynicism?

I long for my youth not for the
false hopes it promised,
But to hear the sound of my
Glorious Guru playing his divine music
on his damaru again... To be warmed by his wisdom,
blessed by his strength.....

And to feel hope again...
A hope that hangs in there,
But often slips away…again… 

Written by Tsem Tulku

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Then one of my student's son, Gavin, surprised me by arranging the music, playing the piano and making a beautiful song from the poem! 

I was like wow...the kid's got talent...Some of the words he re-arranged for the sake of the song from my original poem. But it evokes my feeling for my Guru for sure. When I listen to this, I think of Zong Rinpoche...

 

Please click below to hear the poem as a song:

 

(the lyrics of the song made from the poem below by Gavin Gooi)

Sadness and loneliness
are my forced friends,
Living in lands forever foreign
as I have no home.....

Sounds of my guru's damaru
evokes a time long gone,
As it plays in my head
all day long… 

My guru's memory I projected
onto my daily life,
Keeps me going in a place I am
forced to call home...

Tragic am I living in a
time that has passed,
A memory that I must wake from
although I resist...

Alone with memories
My work and burdens hasn't any end,
Yet have to trudge on, onto where?
Is there any respite from my hopes and optimism?
Or is it better to accept reality which is cynicism?

Alone with memories
Alone with memories

I long for my youth not for the
false hopes it promised,
But to hear the sound of my
Glorious Guru

Playing his divine music
on his damaru again...
To be warmed by his wisdom,
blessed by his strength.....

Alone with memories
My work and burdens hasn't any end,
Yet have to trudge on, onto where?
Is there any respite from my hopes and optimism?
Or is it better to accept reality which is cynicism?

Alone with memories
Alone with memories

And to feel hope again...
A hope that hangs in there,
But often slips away…again… 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

(Above) His Holiness Zong Rinpoche and myself in Yucca Valley, California. Kyabje Zong Rinpoche was conferring Vajra Yogini empowerment with full commentary which I attended. I was also one of Rinpoche's private assistants during his stay here.

 
His Holiness Kyabje Zong Rinpoche was very affectionate to me all the time. His attendant told me that I was very lucky as he rarely touches people. 

(Above) This photo is of Kyabje Rinpoche walking with me in Chinatown, Los Angeles. Rinpoche enjoyed shopping. On this trip Rinpoche bought a Birthday gift for me which was a Chinese opera puppet. I was so honoured, surprised and treasured the blessed gift.

Tsem Tulku 

 

I BELONG IN THE MOUNTAINS....

Since I was very young, I had a yearning to live in the mountains in a hut or a large cave protected from the elements. Within this dwelling I would have a fantastic large statue of a Buddha/VajraYogini on my shrine with butterlamps offered to them and continuously burning.

This place in my imagination and intense yearning has water nearby, lots of trees, green, grassy and peaceful animals roaming freely, wildly and have no fear of me or I them.

I would eat natural foods that are available. I would see a large expanse of open space and mountains also. The mountains are very important. The air is crisp, fresh and cool but not cold. I must see green and mountains. I need that. I belong there. I wish to be there. I hope to be there. I want to be there. I beg and pray to be there. It is my home. It is where my mind feels most comfortable. I need to be there always...but I can't be. I have to stay in the city to teach, teach,explain, explain, talk, guide, and meet endless amount of ppl. I have to stay and find comfort in the few trees growing around me. I have to have a house or room that at least looks at greenery. That would keep me connected to what I really want to do and where I want to be but can't. I want that connection...

I would be very happy here in this type of green mountainous place doing my practices, mantras, prostrations, offerings and reading the holy dharma. I would spend my life in this place and gain exalted attainments. I would fantasize, dream, wish and yearn so strongly for such a place. I wanted and still yearn to live in such a place.

Sometimes even now the yearning is so strong and intense that it's painful at times. I have to remember the promise I have made to my teachers and continue to do what I am doing. I never wanted to be a teacher or a guru. I wanted to retreat and stay in the mountains. To engage in practices. I cannot disobey the requests of my teachers. I must stay....in the city with sparse green leaved trees around to see through a grilled window....

When I was very young in New Jersey, I drew endless pictures of mountains with nearby lakes and I would live there. No one said these things to me or showed me pictures, but I wanted to be there so much. My nightmare is to live in a place with no greens, all concrete, sandy, barren or in the middle of a city. It makes me apprehensive, uncomfortable and I know it is not home...

I would draw endless Buddhas and paint them or crayon their colors in. Wishing I was in the mountains meditating on these Buddhas...that is what I was suppose to do...I knew that from a very young age as I know that now...

Mountains, lake, greens, trees and open clear sky is the place of my dreams....

 
Pictures like this take my breath away because I KNOW I BELONG THERE, but I can't get there.

This is the hut I should be in. I can't be there..so i must look at the pictures and pretend to be there. Pretend to stare at wonderment of the sacred Vajra Yogini statue in my hut with a butterlamp flickering in front of Her as my offering of Wisdom to this Noble Lady of Crimson. To engage in Her practices without interferences or distractions.....and to gain Her sacred realizations as promised by Naropa and Pabongka Rinpoche.....also Heruka...When can I ever get there???

I don't like ocean front views, but I am so yearning the mountains. I only want mountains...greens..trees...dharma...meditation...practice....letting all the illusionary world dissolve as they really never existed anyways....

As I grow older and closer to my death, my yearnings of a distant childhood wish to be in the mountains still burns strongly in my chest....although I am changed, yet I am the same....

Will I get there? Will I be able to have something I really want or just continue as I am????

May all beings' immense wrong perceptions, sufferings that arise from that and it's results come to me.

May they feel freedom, happiness and be released from the shackles of karma. May they never be separated from the Queen of Crimson hue who waits for us...

Tsem Tulku